Dear Father,
"You can't honor God without earnestly seeking Him." Holy Spirit through Gary Plauger.
This is what has been sticking with me today. It holds so much conviction for me because I don't earnestly seek You. I need to start this letter out with asking You to forgive me. I'm embarrassed that this is who I am. I claim to have things together, but really they're not. I lie to myself and say that "I'm okay just the way I am," "You're not lazy, you just want to relax and watch some TV." But really these are just cop outs to me being selfish with my time. I always put TV before so much, this is the part thats embarrassing. God I have the TV on every time I feed Lola, this makes me cry. She so used to being ignored while she eats that now when someone else feeds her and is talking she's so happy she just wants to smile and not eat. Jesus forgive me for this addiction that I have of TV that pulls me away from my family, and most of all You. I wake up and it's so easy to turn on the TV and let that fill my day, instead of making memories with Diego and Lola.
Wow I didn't realize how much this affects me. This is why I didn't want the big TV, because I know it's an addiction for me. But I see it in Diego as well, this breaks my heart because we'll sit and watch TV and let it dictate when we eat, when we talk (during little breaks) and when we go to bed. TV dictates how much activity I get, TV is evil. God this breaks my heart! This is why I used to get so angry when Diego would be on his iphone when I didn't have one. But now that I have one, it's just as I always feared, we sit side by side not talking but connecting with people outside of us. This is why I used to want to throw the TV out the window. But I stopped fighting and now I feel like it's taking the life out of my family.
God forgive me for not helping my husband see this, and help him to see how much this affects both of us. I feel trapped by TV, I feel so lonely at home that TV has become my friend. I can be okay being home alone because I can watch other people be with their friends and family. I feel like I'm dumbing myself down by choosing TV and I'm ashamed.
God help me to be the helper that Diego needs and the mother Lola needs.
Give me strength and will power. I take full responsibility for letting this addiction happen and escalate, but now I need Diego's help and Yours. HELP!
Love Your daughter,
Lindsay
