Today I'm exactly 7 months pregnant, need I say more about changes. Not only is my body swelling in areas I never knew could do that, and my feet and back hurt all day, but my marriage is changing too.
I find myself falling in love with Diego even more than on our honeymoon. I know you always here people say this but maybe that's why you hear it so much. Once it happens to you it's the greatest phenomenon. I find myself waking up and making an effort to roll over, which is a challenge in itself these days, just to look at his face. The face that holds so many roles in my life now. Diego isn't just my husband, he's my playmate, my provider, my shoulder to cry on and knee to slap when he makes me laugh so hard I vomit (really happened by the way.) Now add to all those things, he is now my little girls daddy. This is something I have never felt before, this kind of love, not only for my daughter growing and kicking me, but the new love I have with Diego. It's really true what they say that "love is not romantic, although it can be, but it's a commitment." I think I love Diego even more because I know without a shadow of a doubt that he is committed to this marriage and now this FAMILY. I guess this love grows when there is true trust and security, not only in each other but in Jesus Christ. Diego has really been an example of Chirsts love for me and Lola. Yes, he has never sacrificed his life physically for me, but in his daily actions I feel that he does. He goes to work everyday, without complaint of the long hours he works, he is more patient with me than I deserve, he makes an effort to kiss me passionately, he touches me, and is happy to hold my hand. He paints a nursery for his daughter and does it thoroughly even though he loathes painting rooms. He always encourages me, in my life, my spiritual walk with the Lord, and in my new role as mother coming up. During the emotional days he is the only person who can make me genuinely laugh out loud. He is the only person, besides my parents, I feel doesn't judge me or have conditional love.
It's having a man like this that makes submission so much easier. Not that submission is ever easy, but I couldn't imagine living with a man that I don't trust with my life. That's what makes it easier, knowing that he has my best interest at heart. This is something else that has been changing, maybe not so outwardly obvious at my baby and my marriage directly. But God has really been showing me and speaking to me through many forums about submission and having a "gentle spirit." I think these are two of the hardest things for me to understand for one and second to try to live out daily. These two direct commands given to woman from the Bible are in complete contradiction to what everyone else is telling us. We are being told that woman have to be loud, not in our voices, but in our actions, clothes, our career choices and we have to be louder most of all over our "incompetent" husbands. I feel woman are being taught that it's our job to raise our husbands along with our children. This is not the case, the direction we give our children is completely different than how we consult with our husbands on issues or ideas. Sure woman have been given a great deal of wisdom and intuition, but is that to supersede our husbands or to bring balance and understanding into a family. God gave woman intuition and trust from the husbands so he, the man, can do what God has asked of him and know that his wife is helping him take care of business. He couldn't do all that if he had the same brain and thoughts that a woman has and visa versa. We could try but we won't be able to do it all and do it well. This is what makes us natural helpers, we were born to help, born to submit. If you can't submit to the man God has put over your house, that can physically love you and give you what you need, how can you submit to God Himself. I think this is where the real frustration comes in submission, because if you are married to a godly man than by submitting to him you are submitting to God. The reason sometimes its hard for me, is because I know Diego's right and that he's speaking truth, but I feel the rebellion well up in me. Now why would I feel that kind of strong emotion if I was just declining to submit to a human? Why would I be so torn, or just so angry I don't care what I look or sound like? Could it be that I'm not rebelling against Diego and his plan for our family? Or is it that God is the real voice speaking and I just don't want to hear it right now? "lalalalalala" Submission isn't a Biblical word for door mat, I know woman who aren't submissive and are door mats. Submission is another God given role to act out, and the more you listen to and understand your hubby odds are the more you'll be able to listen to and understand your Daddy. That's why He gave us relationships to reflect His love for us to each other.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Friday, March 9, 2012
Crazy little thing called CONFUSION
I feel misunderstood, misheard and hurt. I feel like I'm alone, alone and pregnant is a very scary feeling. I want to be understood. Why is it my mom is the only that can validate my feelings, and not make me feel like I'm crazy or over-reacting? Why can't people see me for who I am? That I'm really just a woman that wants to feel safe, especially in my own home. I'm a woman who needs to voice my feelings without them being judged and srutinized. I feel alone and sad. I feel lost and like no one can help me. I feel like I'm being asked to cut off my right arm and be happy about it. I feel like he doesn't understand what I'm really going through and how deep other peoples words cut me. I'm a compassionate person, who loves love, and people take advantage of this know they can say what they want with no reprucusions. I don't bother standing up for myself because I feel I have no voice when they are around, my breath is just a light wind coming and going, moving without making noise or making a difference in how you view me. I'm prone to running, but I can't anymore, I've grown up to much to use that as an excuse. Oh how I wish I could though. I'm confused about why everyone else isn't confused. Why can a husband and wife, love so much but not hear the same conversations? Why can't we both hear the same explanations? Why is this thing called life so hard, that crying with all your strength is the easiest thing sometimes? How can I be so lost, confused, feel so alone, when with me all the time is my daughter? I pray for her and that she doesn't have this struggle like I do. I pray that she will always be confident and not let others words make her second guess herself. I pray that she will listen with a grain of salt to those her spirit questions, and not question her spirit. I pray that she will have clarity of her mind, and understand the important things in life.
God this is my prayer for me, not as a wife, not as a mother, but me as Your daughter.
Help! I need Your help right now! I feel so lost in my own mind, I feel like I'm alone. I know it's Satan coming down on me because we are starting a family. But I feel weak, please be my strength... I have nothing left to fight with. I feel like my weapons were stollen and I have to make new ones from scratch. I need Your help! I need Your rod and staff to comfort me right now. I'm so weak, emotionally, physicaly, and spiritually I'm drained. I feel like I don't have a lot to give You right now. I want to give you so much but I feel like it's not worth anything anymore. I feel alone. I feel like Diego wants to understand, but I don't know how to explain my deep hurt and fears right now. I don't want to leave him out of this, help me to communicate and help his ears to listen with his spirit. I want to feel free again, I want to be apart of a church family that loves me for who I am not what they think they can get out of me. I want to feel like I belong, and right now I feel like the only place I belong is home. JESUS! Help me! I feel like a little girl lost in the woods, waiting for the wolf to jump out from behind the trees and drag me down. JESUS! Yours is the only name that brings me peace. Give me the strength to be the woman You created me to be. The one You want me to become. Give me dove eyes that see only You and Your will, not mine and not others will be done, but Yours oh Lord is the will I crave. Your desires are the ones I thirst for more than riches and fine linen. You are the one I NEED at this flat line moment. JESUS! Help me! Give me wisdom is making descions, and in honoring Diegos when he makes them for us. Please dry these tears that are making cracks in my skin, dry the tears in my soul that are making my spirit crack and bleed. Seal up my heart, mind, body, soul and spirit. Seal them with a righteous kiss from Your lips.
AMEN.
God this is my prayer for me, not as a wife, not as a mother, but me as Your daughter.
Help! I need Your help right now! I feel so lost in my own mind, I feel like I'm alone. I know it's Satan coming down on me because we are starting a family. But I feel weak, please be my strength... I have nothing left to fight with. I feel like my weapons were stollen and I have to make new ones from scratch. I need Your help! I need Your rod and staff to comfort me right now. I'm so weak, emotionally, physicaly, and spiritually I'm drained. I feel like I don't have a lot to give You right now. I want to give you so much but I feel like it's not worth anything anymore. I feel alone. I feel like Diego wants to understand, but I don't know how to explain my deep hurt and fears right now. I don't want to leave him out of this, help me to communicate and help his ears to listen with his spirit. I want to feel free again, I want to be apart of a church family that loves me for who I am not what they think they can get out of me. I want to feel like I belong, and right now I feel like the only place I belong is home. JESUS! Help me! I feel like a little girl lost in the woods, waiting for the wolf to jump out from behind the trees and drag me down. JESUS! Yours is the only name that brings me peace. Give me the strength to be the woman You created me to be. The one You want me to become. Give me dove eyes that see only You and Your will, not mine and not others will be done, but Yours oh Lord is the will I crave. Your desires are the ones I thirst for more than riches and fine linen. You are the one I NEED at this flat line moment. JESUS! Help me! Give me wisdom is making descions, and in honoring Diegos when he makes them for us. Please dry these tears that are making cracks in my skin, dry the tears in my soul that are making my spirit crack and bleed. Seal up my heart, mind, body, soul and spirit. Seal them with a righteous kiss from Your lips.
AMEN.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Crazy little thing called PREGNANCY
At this very moment I'm 26 weeks along in my pregnancy, with my little girl named Lola.
I've always wanted to be pregnant, even when I was little I would stuff my shirt with pillows, blankets, and bath towels and pretend I was having a baby. I can only imagine what I looked like, an 8 year old with a 8 month pregnant belly!
My husband and I have always sat and dreamed with each other about babies and a growing family. I found out I was expecting at 5 am one morning in October, my husband had just taken his brother to the airport and I couldn't wait for him to come home. I took the test and watched my pee move across the stick... then my heart sinks to my stomach when I only see one pink line. I instantly start praying, because everytime I've taken a test and it's negative it takes a couple weeks to get out of the "I don't have a little person growing inside me" phase. I finish peeing and I'm just getting ready to pull up my undies when I glance at the stick again. That's the moment the rest of my life changed. I looked at that wonderful white stick and to my shock it now has 2 wonderful pink lines!!! I instantly start rubbing my eyes, like they do in cartoons like I'm seeing things or I'm just wishing 2 lines so bad that thats what I think I'm seeing. So like everyone who takes one test and it's positive, I rip open the second one with gusto and focus like never before on mustering up some more urine for this wonderful thing us women pee on. I stair at the shower curtain intensely, and thankfully since I have little to no bladder control, in only moments I've got the urge. I take the second test and pee double the time they say to, you know just to make sure, and sit as on the edge of a toilet seat as you can and wait. Sure enough there is the first pink line then.... wait for it...wait for it....bam! There it is! The best thing I've ever saw in my entire life a second pink line, letting me know that for the past 6 weeks I've had a little person growing in my womb and didn't even relize how much she was already growing in my heart. I get myself together, in complete shock that my dream is coming true. I look at myself in the mirror and realize, "I'm a mother." I will never be the same again, I have another life that I'm responsible for, one that my husband and I along with God created. I stop right there and start praying and thanking God for all that this blessing means for Diego(my husband) and I. Then it hits me I've never practiced how or what I would tell Diego when I found out. I start pacing in my apartment, laughing, crying, and trying to think about how to tell him. Then I realize that we have a big cardboard box cut up and I can write a message on the back and tell him that way. I wait the longest hour of my life it feels like for him to return home from the airport. I'm sitting up in bed with only the night stand light on and have the sign across my lap. He walks in and sees the sign and starts crying right away when he reads "Welcome Home Daddy" We prayed together and laughed and cried some more. That was the best morning of my whole life!
So thats how this crazy journey called pregnancy started. Beautiful right? Well the next 6 months are full of running to the bathroom, hormonal rages, sweating, nose running, sweat pimples, and oh did I mention the vomitting and exhustation?
When your in your first trimester, which means the first 3 months of your pregnancy, you think your the one who is the newborn baby. All you want to do and for the most part can do is sleep, eat, and poop(that is if your not constipated like I was.) And when I say eat, I mean eat! I once sat down to a meal at LongHorn Steak House and polished off 2 servings of salad, 1/2 rack of ribs, 6 oz steak and a loaded baked potatoe the size of my face! The really crazy thing is, after eating ALL that food, I was okay, not full, not ready to explode, but just okay! My husband was looking at me like I was one of the brats on Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, eating all the candy and sweets with their bare hands and just shoving their faces into it. To be honest though thats exacting how I felt, but totally shameless. I still to this day go through a gallon of milk all on my own in about 4 days. P.S. never a big milk drinker before Lola came along, but my husband LOVES milk! So a lot of us already know yeah your gonna eat like a total pig and care less, but no one told me that I could actually loose my appitite. It started in my 5th month, all the sudden eating was the hardest thing for me to do. I sometimes have to just bare down and eat because my little girl's hungry, but if it was just me in this body I wouldn't be eating much at all. Oh and not to mention that I've got to try to get around 60g of protien a day and add an extra 300 calories to my diet! This may sound like fun for some of you, but for me, it's my Everest. I eat a lot of Greek yogurt and cheese, along with my beloved milk. Meat is another thing that I either love or hate, and that is all depending on the day. One day I could throw up just at the thought of a steak and the next it's all I can think about. But this I hear is normal.
So lets get into all the stuff people say to a new pregnant mom. For starters get used to the fact that everyone has an option about your babies sex, the size of your belly, and the names you pick. Some people keep everything a secret till the baby pops out, but then your judged for being uptight and "that couple." Diego and I are very open people, no secrets, and open to questions. So we told people the baby names we had picked out and what we thought our baby would be.
I worked at the time and people would either love the names we pick out or hate them, and wouldn't shy away from telling me "really? don't name your baby that." REALLY!?! Thats what your going to tell a hormonal pregnant woman, to her FACE! Please if your one of those people who think everyone wants to know your option, even if they didn't ask for it, SHUT UP! This isn't your moment and guess what it's not your baby! As you can tell I still have some built up resentment over this topic since the name that this person hated so much, is the name of our daughter.
The next is a real kicker! One day at work, a fellow co-worker comes up to me and says "your going to have a girl. Because you're really wide right here." As she motioning to my dwinlding waistline. It was all I could do not to punch her right in the face. Mind you I'm only 4 months at the time and still wearing my regular jeans at work, so the wideness she was refuring to was really just ME! I said as calmly as I could, "thats not the baby, I've always been that wide." I will say I added some smuggness just to get my pissed off point across. Another great time was when my mother in-law told me the SAME THING only a week later!!! I gave her the same response.
On a postive note, you can never tell a pregnant woman enough "wow you don't even look pregnant from behind!" It's like a chorus of angels singing in my ears when people tell me this.
Thats all for now, I have to go pee.....
I've always wanted to be pregnant, even when I was little I would stuff my shirt with pillows, blankets, and bath towels and pretend I was having a baby. I can only imagine what I looked like, an 8 year old with a 8 month pregnant belly!
My husband and I have always sat and dreamed with each other about babies and a growing family. I found out I was expecting at 5 am one morning in October, my husband had just taken his brother to the airport and I couldn't wait for him to come home. I took the test and watched my pee move across the stick... then my heart sinks to my stomach when I only see one pink line. I instantly start praying, because everytime I've taken a test and it's negative it takes a couple weeks to get out of the "I don't have a little person growing inside me" phase. I finish peeing and I'm just getting ready to pull up my undies when I glance at the stick again. That's the moment the rest of my life changed. I looked at that wonderful white stick and to my shock it now has 2 wonderful pink lines!!! I instantly start rubbing my eyes, like they do in cartoons like I'm seeing things or I'm just wishing 2 lines so bad that thats what I think I'm seeing. So like everyone who takes one test and it's positive, I rip open the second one with gusto and focus like never before on mustering up some more urine for this wonderful thing us women pee on. I stair at the shower curtain intensely, and thankfully since I have little to no bladder control, in only moments I've got the urge. I take the second test and pee double the time they say to, you know just to make sure, and sit as on the edge of a toilet seat as you can and wait. Sure enough there is the first pink line then.... wait for it...wait for it....bam! There it is! The best thing I've ever saw in my entire life a second pink line, letting me know that for the past 6 weeks I've had a little person growing in my womb and didn't even relize how much she was already growing in my heart. I get myself together, in complete shock that my dream is coming true. I look at myself in the mirror and realize, "I'm a mother." I will never be the same again, I have another life that I'm responsible for, one that my husband and I along with God created. I stop right there and start praying and thanking God for all that this blessing means for Diego(my husband) and I. Then it hits me I've never practiced how or what I would tell Diego when I found out. I start pacing in my apartment, laughing, crying, and trying to think about how to tell him. Then I realize that we have a big cardboard box cut up and I can write a message on the back and tell him that way. I wait the longest hour of my life it feels like for him to return home from the airport. I'm sitting up in bed with only the night stand light on and have the sign across my lap. He walks in and sees the sign and starts crying right away when he reads "Welcome Home Daddy" We prayed together and laughed and cried some more. That was the best morning of my whole life!
So thats how this crazy journey called pregnancy started. Beautiful right? Well the next 6 months are full of running to the bathroom, hormonal rages, sweating, nose running, sweat pimples, and oh did I mention the vomitting and exhustation?
When your in your first trimester, which means the first 3 months of your pregnancy, you think your the one who is the newborn baby. All you want to do and for the most part can do is sleep, eat, and poop(that is if your not constipated like I was.) And when I say eat, I mean eat! I once sat down to a meal at LongHorn Steak House and polished off 2 servings of salad, 1/2 rack of ribs, 6 oz steak and a loaded baked potatoe the size of my face! The really crazy thing is, after eating ALL that food, I was okay, not full, not ready to explode, but just okay! My husband was looking at me like I was one of the brats on Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, eating all the candy and sweets with their bare hands and just shoving their faces into it. To be honest though thats exacting how I felt, but totally shameless. I still to this day go through a gallon of milk all on my own in about 4 days. P.S. never a big milk drinker before Lola came along, but my husband LOVES milk! So a lot of us already know yeah your gonna eat like a total pig and care less, but no one told me that I could actually loose my appitite. It started in my 5th month, all the sudden eating was the hardest thing for me to do. I sometimes have to just bare down and eat because my little girl's hungry, but if it was just me in this body I wouldn't be eating much at all. Oh and not to mention that I've got to try to get around 60g of protien a day and add an extra 300 calories to my diet! This may sound like fun for some of you, but for me, it's my Everest. I eat a lot of Greek yogurt and cheese, along with my beloved milk. Meat is another thing that I either love or hate, and that is all depending on the day. One day I could throw up just at the thought of a steak and the next it's all I can think about. But this I hear is normal.
So lets get into all the stuff people say to a new pregnant mom. For starters get used to the fact that everyone has an option about your babies sex, the size of your belly, and the names you pick. Some people keep everything a secret till the baby pops out, but then your judged for being uptight and "that couple." Diego and I are very open people, no secrets, and open to questions. So we told people the baby names we had picked out and what we thought our baby would be.
I worked at the time and people would either love the names we pick out or hate them, and wouldn't shy away from telling me "really? don't name your baby that." REALLY!?! Thats what your going to tell a hormonal pregnant woman, to her FACE! Please if your one of those people who think everyone wants to know your option, even if they didn't ask for it, SHUT UP! This isn't your moment and guess what it's not your baby! As you can tell I still have some built up resentment over this topic since the name that this person hated so much, is the name of our daughter.
The next is a real kicker! One day at work, a fellow co-worker comes up to me and says "your going to have a girl. Because you're really wide right here." As she motioning to my dwinlding waistline. It was all I could do not to punch her right in the face. Mind you I'm only 4 months at the time and still wearing my regular jeans at work, so the wideness she was refuring to was really just ME! I said as calmly as I could, "thats not the baby, I've always been that wide." I will say I added some smuggness just to get my pissed off point across. Another great time was when my mother in-law told me the SAME THING only a week later!!! I gave her the same response.
On a postive note, you can never tell a pregnant woman enough "wow you don't even look pregnant from behind!" It's like a chorus of angels singing in my ears when people tell me this.
Thats all for now, I have to go pee.....
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